My in-laws are wonderful.  I know I am truly lucky.  I have heard stories from real life people and seen how in-laws are portrayed in the entertainment industry.  Our life is not represented by the beginning of “Monster-in-Law” or any one of the “Meet the Parents” movies.  I describe life with my in-laws as a boring version of “Everybody Loves Raymond”.  Again, not in character, but location.

Five years ago, when we were a newly formed family of three, we moved into the uninhabited home of Kevin’s grandparents.  It is across the street and three houses down from Kevin’s parents and next door to his aunt and uncle.  I was very nervous, at first, because I did not want to have the “drop in” lifestyle of the Barones from Long Island.  I wanted to have the stay in my pajamas lifestyle of an insecure new mom trying to figure it all out. (I tried the going the alone way.  Don’t do it.  Let people in, it’s way better.)

My fears were calmed almost immediately after we moved in.  My in-laws had great boundaries.  I should have never been afraid because they have always had wonderful boundaries.  They have been nothing but gracious, kind and loving toward Kevin and me.  They share in our victories and stand with us in our sorrow.  They desire to be supportive while letting us make our own decisions.

I’ve shared a lot about my mom and dad already in the past days and there are probably a few more stories to come.  My parents were awesome, but Kevin and I did not grow up in the same kind of home.  We didn’t have the same kind of relationships with our extended families.  I knew life with Kevin was going to be different from very early in our dating life.  I was invited to a family dinner at a beautiful restaurant on the water about an hour away.  We were celebrating Kevin’s grandparent’s 55th wedding anniversary.  We rode with Kevin’s parents and they were listening to a CD that helped them learn the different croaks of frogs in their community. There is a river behind their house and they were a part of a research group to help identify the frogs living along the river.  That was not something I ever heard my parents doing.  I’m pretty sure one family trip we listened to Elton John’s greatest hits on repeat as my brothers and I rolled around in back of the van where the seats had been replaced with a mattress.  Identifying frog croaks is just one of the countless ways they are involved in their community.  They are generous in many other ways too.

At some point in the anniversary evening each person began to share inspiring things about Grandma and Grandpa and their marriage.  I was in tears.  Nothing like that had ever happened at a family dinner in my home or at a family function.  It was beautiful. His family hardly knew me and I was crying.  I hope after 19 years they are used to it by now!

That evening was so different from my family experience, but it didn’t mean one family was bad and the other one was good.  It was just different.  It’s one of the difficult parts of marriage.  You have two completely different people who come from different places and are trying to create a home that has the values, traditions and coping mechanisms of their previous life.  It’s so hard.

My parents were the kind of parents that were all up in your business.  My home was one where you knew what everyone was feeling most of the time.  We were loud.  We yelled a lot.  If someone was angry, you knew it.  If someone was excited, you knew it.  We were not good at hiding our emotions or containing them.  We were also intense in the way we loved each other and others.  We were “The Fam” (What About Bob?, 1991).

Kevin’s parents love us just as much and are not all in our business.  That was really hard for me to get used to and it was hard for me to trust that it would last.  “Up in my business” was the only way I had operated and I felt like it was the default for all parents, but I was wrong.  Like anything there was a learning curve.  For instance, I needed to learn that the love language of an engineer is to help you fix something because their brain’s are wired to see the problems to fix.  I didn’t know that and I learned it later than I care to mention.  But once I learned I could see the immense love Kevin’s dad has for us.  I needed to learn to ask for help.  That was really hard too.  The help from my parents had usually been constant and sometimes uninvited.  Sometimes it was because of bad boundaries, but Kevin’s parents have healthy boundaries which means I need to ask for help when I need it instead of waiting for someone to enter uninvited.  Asking for help is hard for me, but also something I want.  What can I say?  I’m complicated.

I am so thankful or my in-laws.  God knew exactly who I would need in the absence of my parents.  I call them mom and dad which confuses my kids to know end.  I made the choice to call them that early on.  I remember exactly where I was standing in my friend’s office when I got a call from my mother-in-law.  I answered, she said, “Hi. It’s your mo . . . mother-in-law.”  My mom had died not long before this conversation and I said, “You can be mom.  It’s ok.  You are my mom.”  It stuck.

I have had two sets of amazing parents who have shown their love to me in very different ways, but I am truly blessed to have been and continue to be loved.  I am thankful they are our cheerleaders, babysitters, neighbors, friends and team mates.  I pray we will always be the boring version of “Everybody Loves Raymond”.