I have grown up in the church.  I started attending before I was born and it’s been a major part of my life ever since.  My parents were married by a pastor that also worked on the line at GM with my dad.  The pastor agreed to marry my parents if they visited his church.  They did and kept going.  My parents responded to the gospel message on the same Sunday and were baptized together.  They eventually moved a block away from the church and volunteered in any area the church needed.  I remember going to the church and helping my parents clean everything.

When I was in second grade we started attending a different church.  It was way bigger and attached to the school I attended.  Our whole life began to revolve around that building because my mom also worked there.  Six days a week, sometimes seven, you would find my family there doing school stuff or church stuff.  I went to this church for most of my life, but as an adult I attended a few other churches.  Some because I moved to a new state, some because we needed a change and another because I started working there.

I have so many great memories because of church.  I met Kevin when I was in 7th grade.  I traveled the world on missions trips.  I made connections with friends.  I got to volunteer and work in youth ministry.

Church has not always been sunshine and rainbows.  Church is not just a building.  It’s people.  Broken messy people that don’t always treat people very well.  I have been caught in the messiness of church a lot.  It’s painful.  It’s confusing and honestly it makes me want to give up.  My first run in with messy church was in high school when my mom was seeking assistance.  My dad had just went into rehab and she wasn’t sure how bills were going to get paid.  Instead of it being an instant outpouring of help upon a woman and her three children it became an investigation of how she could sell everything she had and uproot her life to help herself.  Her desire was to keep everything as normal as possible for her children, so she sought assistance from anywhere but church leadership.

If my mom was angry, she did not show me.  She just kept going trying to get what her family needed.  Because she didn’t get angry, I didn’t get angry either.  I just kept trying to be supportive of her.  I’ve walked along side so many people that have been hurt by the church.  It’s painful and heartbreaking.

Kevin and I have walked through our own painful experience with the church.  None was so difficult as the time I got fired from a church.  It was one of the greatest hurts Kevin and I have ever experienced and yet my greatest fear of this time was becoming bitter.  Everything in me just wanted to love Jesus but have nothing to do with the church.  I sought counsel from friends of how to walk through this without becoming bitter, but it felt like too much.  Kevin and I spent the next year trying to find a church to attend.  It was hard.  Every week you are opening yourself up to new people and trying to decide if it is a good fit.  And deep inside I just kept asking myself, “Is this church going to hurt me like the last one did?”

We did find a place to worship and yet we are currently looking for a new church home, again.  It’s so hard.  We don’t like it.  It’s uncomfortable and weird.  We are good people that desperately want to pour ourselves into a church community.  We want to use our gifts to bless others.  We want to be apart of a small group.  We want our kids to have all the great memories and experiences that we did growing up in the church.

Some Sundays I just want to give up.  I want to “home school” my kids about Jesus and forget trying to find a place for us all to worship.  Then I am reminded of Hebrews 10:24-25, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

This verse reminds me that this is not a new problem I am having.  It’s not just me that is having trouble.  But the early church had people that felt the same way.  They were being persecuted (I wouldn’t go that far to call my experience persecution) and just wanted to go back to life like it was before.  It was a step of faith for them to keep meeting together because it put a target on their back.  If they didn’t give up in their situation then I can keep going to church too.

I love the Church. I believe it is God’s plan to spread His love and message of hope to the world.  It will always be messy and broken because people are involved, but I keep on keeping on trying to find my place in the Church and a place for my whole family to worship together.  The Church has been a central figure in helping me understand who I am, why I am here and what I should do.  I am thankful for the good, the bad and the difficult things because it has helped shaped me into who I am today.  I have not handled things perfectly, but am thankful for all the lessons I have learned through the church in my nearly 40 years (even the difficult ones).  I pray that I don’t give up and can keep learning for the next 40 years.