Have you ever read a book or watched a movie and thought, “Wow. I now have words for what I am experiencing or thinking?” I have thought this many times in my life. Sometimes it feels like the writer had a window into my heart, saw I was confused and helped me sort out whatever I was going through. This soul peeking experience never took me more off guard than when I watched the movie ‘Inside Out’.

Kevin and I got a sitter which doesn’t happen very often (thank you in-laws) and went to a movie (even more rare than needing a sitter). We have long been the creepy older people in a kids movie without children, but we like to go see kids movies anyway. My counselor trained heart was really excited to see this one.

We got our popcorn and found our leather reclining seats (we live in a magical age of movie going). The movie started and by the end I was sobbing uncontrollably. It doesn’t take much for me to do this. It is getting worse with old age. It was such a beautiful picture of trauma and the effects on our emotions. For me, personally, the part that gave language to my life, was how it explained complex emotion. How an event in life can be joyous and sad at the same time.

Life was full of complex emotions after my parents died and after we lost babies. I’m sure I had complex emotions before then, but they became really apparent to me after these events in adulthood. I would find myself being really excited about something, but also terribly sad that my parents weren’t there to be share in the event or triumph with us. Or on sad days I was sad that my parents weren’t there to encourage me or lift my spirits. It was hard.

Nothing brings out these emotions more than adding a baby to the family. The first time it happened was June 2010. My brother and his wife were about to have their first son. I was going to be an aunt! I was so excited for so many reasons, but I was also incredibly sad. I was very aware that my parents were not present. My parents were really clear about two things. They had us children to give them grandchildren and they wanted us to all live together (this was never going to happen, but it was a nice thought).

So that day in June married joy and sorrow. I wanted to meet my nephew so badly, but I was also so sad that my parents couldn’t be there to meet him too. It’s all they had ever wanted.

Despite the sadness, it was a beautiful day. It brought the world one of the most amazing little men I have ever met. He made me an aunt. Two years later I got to be an aunt again. Then a mom. Then an aunt. Then a mom for the second time. Each time brought waves of joy and sorrow. I will never forget that day in June 2010. I will never forget holding that little peanut for the first time. I had never held a freshly born baby before and I was terrified of breaking him. He did not break. My niece and nephews are wonderful little people. Each of them are strong and brave in their own unique ways. I am so proud to be their aunt.