When it comes to holding on or letting go I am not an expert at knowing when to do either. I hold on to things way longer than I should. Call it a flaw in my Type A, recovering perfectionist personality. It has caused a lot of difficulty and hardship in my 40 years of life. My personality won’t let me quit. Quit equals failure, so to let things go feels like failure too.

I am not talking about holding a grudge. I’m talking about starting a venture and not knowing the best time to go a different direction. Or when a relationship needs to take a new form, but I want it to stay exactly the same. I don’t want things to change.

I once had a job for three months and it was really clear that it was not a good fit. I ended up staying 6 more years just because I thought I needed to make it work. I thought if I just worked harder I could make it work, but it didn’t. It almost ruined me several times.

Relationships are really hard to know which way to go. I desperately want people to know that I care about them, but sometimes it looks like I’m trying to smother them. I don’t mean to, it just happens. Or sometimes it goes the other way when I just think a relationship is always going to be the same, but it takes a turn and I don’t know what happened. I took it for granted that things were going so well and I don’t know how to make it better.

I’m afraid to let things go. If I let it go what if I can’t get it back? If I let go am I failing? If I let go does it look like I don’t care?

I am trying to be better. I am trying to go with the flow more than I used to. It’s really hard for me. Really really hard. Kids do not make it easier. The more I micromanage the more uncontrollable they become, but when I open up and release my grip everything is more peaceful.

Letting go and not holding on tightly makes room for other things to come in. It gives freedom to explore new spaces and new possibilities. I hate letting go, but if I keep white knuckling through life I won’t be available for the next great thing. I will be too focused on keep what I have to let something else in.

I would love to say I am mastering the letting go thing, but I am not. I struggle with it every day, but I am trying. I am trying to be better. I want my kids to be with a mom that let’s them have choices, let’s them makes mistakes and is ready to hold them when they need me.