I wrote on Day 13 of the 40 Days to 40 blog about being called to adoption in 2006 on top of a mountain in Jamaica.  It would be 5 years before Kevin would be certain of that calling for our family.  Five years.  Five years of miscarriages and attending baby showers.  Five years of awkward Mother’s Day celebrations and pregnancy conversations.

For awhile I thought God was never going to answer my prayers about family and adoption even though I we had come so far.  When I first came home from Jamaica in 2006 Kevin did not want to adopt at all and I began praying for him to see what I saw in Jamaica and to hear what I heard.  In 2010 Kevin and I were able to go to Jamaica together on a missions trip with high school students.  God answered prayer.  He opened Kevin’s heart to the idea.  On a sea wall in Montego Bay Kevin entertained the idea of adoption but still wanted to pursue biological children too.

At the end of 2010 we had our 4th miscarriage.  I was emotionally drained.  I tried to talk to Kevin again about adoption, but his heart had started going the other direction.  He began talking about not having children at all.  He was making a mental pros and cons list of being a childless family and and the pros were winning.  I was actually OK with him talking like that, but my soul was having such a hard time with the uncertainty of it all.  If that is what he wanted than lets just make decision and stop all of the are we or aren’t we going to adopt questions.  Then on the other hand I firmly believe that God had told me to adopt, so what do I do with that?

This is when I entered a counseling relationship with a lovely woman.  For one hour a week I got to unpack my brain and she helped me understand what everything was, if I still needed to carry it around with me, get rid of the garbage and rearrange everything.  We met for months and she gave me the personalized tools to help be have a meaningful and effective conversation with Kevin about the future of our family.

We were sitting at the table in our first little home and the conversation started organically.  We were connecting and we were hearing each other.  Kevin ended our conversation in such a wise fashion.  It was the end of October and 30 days from when we sat at that table we would be in Virginia for Thanksgiving.  Kevin suggested that we take the next 30 days and both be in prayer about what to do but not talk about it with each other.  I agreed and we started praying right then.

For me, the next 30 days were brutal.  It is so hard not to talk your spouse about what is going on in your heart.  We both experienced some difficult and crazy things, but 30 days later we were in Virginia.  Our van had a lightbulb burn out so we were going into town to get a replacement before we headed by home the next day.  We knew this is one of the only times we were going to be alone and I prayed that we would have the opportunity to talk.  As soon as we pulled on the main road Kevin blurted out, “I want to adopt a baby with you from Jamaica.”

We spent the rest of the time talking about the past 30 days and the events, people and circumstances God had used to confirm our road to adoption.  It was refreshing.  I felt like a new person with a new purpose.  I wanted to get started right away.  It would take another 3 years for years for our first son to come home.  But that is a different story for a different day.

For now I just wanted to tell you that prayer works.  The God of the universe hears your every prayer.  You are not alone and He cares about your every need.  Maybe you just started praying about something, maybe you have been praying for years for something to change.  Maybe you feel like you are at the end of your rope or maybe you just need some direction.  Prayer helped change my heart.  I watched God change the shape of Kevin’s heart to include adoption.  That happened through prayer.  Prayer helped me have patience when I wanted to throw in the towel.  Prayer gave me strength when I had nothing left to give.  Prayer is where I turned during those 30 days when I desperately wanted to talk to Kevin about what was happening in my own heart.  Prayer leads to change.  It is not always the change you were looking for, but when you keep your eyes on Jesus it is change that is better than you could have imagined.  The change is usually really hard, but it is always worth it.